My LaSt WoRds ~ PeRHaPs

BISMILLAHIRRAHMANIRRAHIM

ASSALAMUALAIKUM WBT

I probably become Shila Amzah versi tak artis sebab rajin sangat meluahkan segala emosi atau ayat yang mungkin berbaur emosi di laman sesawang. Facebook, twitter, blog, itu adalah tempat yang paling common yang orang boleh tengok. Diari dasyat lagilah. Dengan harapan yang entry ini mungkin jadi yang terakhir untuk sesi meluahkan perasaan, maka aku bagi kaw-kaw sikit kali ni. Biarlah nak feeling jadi Shila Amzah sekali-sekala. Lepas ni aku janji, no more cerita emosi.

Dear you,

I'm sorry, I met your sister. And told her (almost) everything. With no intention to make things worst neither to try to get your feelings in return. I know, I'm not the one for you. I know, we're not meant for each other. Things just turned out this way. I'm sorry, I can't help it. You know me so well. I'm a girl. Not yet a woman. Fikiran tak matang lagi. Perangai pun, perangai budak-budak. Bila berlagak jadi orang besar, it's actually something yang I actually cannot bear with. It's hard. But I think, it's worth to try. That's why I made this decision.

I bet you really like me as your friend. Probably the most comfortable friend that you ever had. And that's probably the reason why you never want me to back off. Tapi I tak boleh manjakan you. I tak boleh bagi you dua-dua. You kena pilih salah satu. That's the words yang I nak sangat cakap dengan you tapi tak terluah sampai sekarang. I'm sorry. It might sounds like I'm a selfish. But in this case, I have to. I terpaksa selfish. Kalau tak, hati I akan terus sakit. And at the end of the day, I akan jadi pihak yang akan recover paling lama. It's not easy for me to get off this feeling. You pun tahu I punya emosi macam mana. Like pepatah prevention is better than cure. Samalah tu. Cegah awal-awal. Takut dah terlajak nanti dia susah sangat nak sembuh.

I believe that you're getting used to this awkward decision. Seeing each other on the green online button but never wanted to greet or starting conversation like we always do. Honestly, that's really the hardest moment for me. Yelah, dah biasa. Nak ubah benda yang kita dah biasa buat ni bukan senang. But I hold into it. Alah, lama-lama biasalah tu nanti.

I'm so sorry. I bagitahu awal-awal. I met your family twice since we're apart. I met your mum because she insists me to and I met your sister because ada hutang 'date' yang I belum bayar. Never thought that the things and the story will be related to us but it was pretty expected. It's mum. And I can't lie to her. Never blame your sister as well. I memang spesis tak boleh nak tahan mulut daripada bercerita. If there any related story you heard about me, then blame me. Not your mum, not your sister. They just want the best for you. And they love you more than I do. Do hate me if you want to. But my relationship with your family, have nothing to do with you. No intention to get updated with you as well. But since 'hutang' pun dah selesai, I guess I have no reason to meet them anymore. And I guess it added reason to stay away from you. You dah mula annoying dengan I kan? I know.

I guess I was wrong. I thought men will treat their girlfriend just the same as they treat their friend. Probably that's why I can't help assuming that you might have the same feeling when you asked me how to prepare for interviews. It's probably when you asked me regarding your internship report. Probably when you called me like how many times right after you reached home masa hari raya hari tu (so did I). Probably when you asked for movie so out of blue. Probably when you whining for tiny little things. 

You lapar. Bos you mengamuk. You penat. Balik kerja lambat. Baju you banyak tak basuh lagi. You kena stay back dekat office sampai lewat malam. You boring. You rasa nak layan movie. You bengang jumpa client. You tiba-tiba mengidam nak Domino, nasi kerabu, kek coklat. You tension dengar mama membebel. You tak boleh tido. Kerja banyak. You mengadu sakit kaki travel outstation jauh-jauh. You suruh I kejut you bangun pagi-pagi sebab you takut lambat bangun pagi sebab nak pergi meeting. Oh, ya. Again. I was wrong. I tak patut anggap semua tu special and assume that you might like me even though you're taken. Padahal you bukan tak ada girlfriend nak buat semua benda-benda tu. I seriously don't understand. Ok, maybe I should change my perception now.

I really have no intention to up these things over here. Tapi tak ada orang yang akan assume apa yang you buat, I mean, apa yang kita buat is actually in the name of friendship. Kalau dengan 'kawan' you dah act macam tu, then kalau dengan girlfriend you macam mana agaknya ya? Well, as I said earlier, I tak boleh manjakan you. I tak boleh nak bagi you dua-dua. The thing is, you know my feeling to you macam mana. So it's clearly not fair kalau you terus berkawan dengan I with the fact that you will choose another girl at the end. I tak kisah with your decision. But you shouldn't treated me that way.





Ok. Maybe I yang salah. I tak patut over acting with someone else boyfriend. My bad. I'm sorry about my attitudes selama ni. But housemates, classmates, Haajar, Jannah, Kak Sarah, sibling sister I, tak ada sorang pun yang agree things you did were for the sake of friend. Or maybe you should find some 'guy' friend next time. Or maybe I yang kena betulkan mind setting. Perhaps bagi you that's normal. Perhaps I yang terlampau kolot. Ntah berapa banyak maybe dan perhaps ni?





Honestly, I sendiri tak percaya dengan decision yang I buat. It was so hard to accept. It was so hard to deal with. I just want you to be happy without hurting myself. Jadi, cukuplah I tahan sakit selama ni. I guess, this is it. The time has come. Seeing you moving on, pun dah cukup buatkan I healing.





Just my little advice, fikir masak-masak sebelum you decide any lifelong decision. Find someone yang boleh treat you punya manja attitude, yang boleh fulfill your mengidam things, yang boleh stand by your side dengar you merungut pasal your bos, or cerita lawak you yang tak senonoh tu, yang maybe boleh teman you berborak dalam kereta when you driving, yang boleh tahan telinga dengar business plan you, atau someone yang boleh rabakkan telinga tanya bila you dah lama tak balik rumah, someone yang maybe boleh lepak kedai mamak sampai 2, 3 pagi. Someone yang boleh standby sos cili untuk you in every meal, or yang tahu you favourite strawberry soft drink during movie.





Someone yang mama you suka. Believe me, I'm not refer to anyone. It's just, I pretty know you inside and out. So, you better find someone yang betul-betul boleh blend dengan you and don't ever look down your parents point of view.





Maybe, inilah masanya you nak get close with your future life partner, getting to know her deeper, spent more time together. Bukan I nak suruh you buat comparison ke apa. Chemistry tu ambil masa sebenarnya. Look at the positive side, mungkin apa yang berlaku ni menguatkan lagi relationship you dengan dia. And that's enough for me.





By the way, semenjak I jumpa your mum and sisters lately, I became a bit emotional. Biasalah, cerita apa lagi yang nak keluar. But again, that's probably just between they and me. You ignore or tahan jela apa-apa yang rasa macam tak sedap di telinga tu. I'm so sorry. It's all because of me. I yang buatkan semua benda jadi complicated. I yang huru-harakan semuanya. I tak tahu perancangan Tuhan. It's just happen this way. Believe me, I just want you to be happy. So with that...





promise dah tak nak emosi macam Shila Amzah lagi.

because it's not appropriate tulis surat cinta dekat dalam library

because no matter how much I try, 

things won't change.